I have always been fascinated with generic grocery store foods, which are shameless and cheap rip-offs of name brands. Here in Atlanta, I shop at Publix, a southern-only chain branded in hospital-scrubs green. As a grad student on loans who needs intravenous caffeine injections to stay up all night working, I was excited to find the Publix brand soda collection. See, a two-liter bottle of the hometown favorite, Coca-Cola, costs approximately $1.09. Publix sodas, my friends, cost 67 CENTS.
One day I was feeling mighty awful parched, so I bought all 12 varieties of Publix's colored sugar water and decided to rank them as proof that I'll do just about anything to pass for entertainment on this site. A few disclaimers before we begin. I refused to buy the few diet drinks because I am on a mission to become morbidly obese one day (this is often referred to as "Operation: Dave Fat"). I will only take three swigs of each flavor, cleansing my palette in between with delicious Ritz crackers. Finally, I will probably become diabetic somewhere in this process, so don't try this one at home kids.
12. Strawberry Soda, 11. Citrus Hit, 10. Lemon Lime Soda, 9. Cherry Cola
Strawberry Soda had the most potential of all. Here is an original flavor that no one else has capitalized on! This could be Publix's claim to fame! Unfortunately, this drink takes the honors as the worst drink of the bunch and possibly the entire world. The tartness of strawberries mixed with the sugar and fizz of soda is a recipe for an instant headache, which I immediately felt. I seriously got sick, and would suggest only taking shots of this this drink. Anything over a few ounces could put you into a coma.
Citrus Hit does a remarkable, commendable job at nailing down the taste of urine, albeit watered-down urine. It has the most ingredients out of all the twelve drinks, including "concentrated orange juice". I guess that gives it the right as the only drink to say "With Natural Flavor" on its label, as if that's a big plus for a soft drink. And as a designer I have to say this the worst label of the bunch. The chaotic spin of red, green, and yellow is so pixelated and low-resolution that it looks like Jeff Chin's camera phone pictures (let it be known that the esteemed Mr. Chin has recently upgraded to a digital camera). This drink probably would have been last if Strawberry wasn't brewed by the devil himself. Mountain Dew can sleep easy at night; it has nothing to worry about.
Lemon Lime Soda looks and tastes like water, with barely any bubbles or flavor (that's why they had to draw a lemon, lime, and bubbles on the label). My guess is that you could replace your tap water with this stuff and friends would be none the wiser. Since Sprite and 7up are some of my favorite real drinks, I was hugely disappointed with Lemon Lime Soda.
Do not be fooled by the name Cherry Cola, which tastes like neither cherry nor cola, but rather some nebulous void in between. I kept on tasting tiny hints of each flavor with no clear overall taste. You would probably be better off pouring generous amounts of grenadine (which isn't listed in the ingredients) into Publix Cola.
8. Black Cherry Soda, 7. Cola, 6. Root Beer, 5. Dr. Publix
At least Black Cherry Soda has a distinct flavor, unlike Cherry Cola. It's not a good flavor mind you, but it's distinct. I kept on checking the label while I was drinking to make sure it said "Black Cherry" and not "Robitussin", because I really believe that this soda cured my cold.
Naming a soda "Cola" is as unimaginative as you can get, but Publix's ode to Coke is pretty good. More Coke-ish than Pepsi-ish, it's heavily watered down but still packs a lot of carbonation. It's a suitable cheap alternative to Coke, if you don't mind being ridiculed as Cheapskate McEmptypockets.
I love Root Beer even more than real beer, so I had low expectations for Publix's brand. In hindsight, I should have lowered them more. Root Beer, more than any other soda, needs that "bite" that Barq's or A&W has; this one is just a nibble, and then it apologizes for having bitten you. Too much root, not enough beer.
Dr. Publix is undoubtedly the worst offender of blatant name rip-offs, and the good doctor turned out to be simply okay. Dr. Publix is the community college to Dr. Pepper's Ivy League, and could quite possibly be brought up on malpractice charges for tasting like crap. In all honesty, it's not all that bad...it just lacks the sharpness of Dr. Pepper.
4. Grape Soda, 3. Orange Soda, 2. Ginger Ale, 1. Cream Soda
I've never really liked grape drinks, and although Grape Soda didn't change my mind, it's decent. It's the most sugary of the bunch with 34 grams of junk, but it didn't coat my brain like Strawberry Soda did. If you let it ferment over time I think it turns into carbonated wine, and nothing says elegance quite like a bottle of grape soda on your wine rack.
Orange Soda is a passable, less crisp version of Sunkist. Now I'm no mathematician, but by mixing the ingredients Yellow 6 and Red 40, that would make it Orange 46, which gives it the highest artificial flavor value out of all the sodas. That's gotta count for something. The back label makes it clear that this drink contains "0% juice", in case you thought for even a second that even a single drop from a Florida orange contributed to the taste.
Ginger Ale wasn't too bad, but you really can't mess up Ginger Ale more that that Mozambique Beverly: Aperitif crap that I drank at the Coca-Cola factory's international flavors room. This Ginger Ale gets the job done, and the packaging was a little classier than the others. Classy in a "I'm so broke I can't afford Seagram's" way.
Cream Soda was the biggest surprise of the group, probably because it's a flavor that isn't as readily available as the others. It tasted like liquified ice cream, and I mean that in the best possible way. I think I was expecting a butterscotch flavor because that was the lollipop that I always got stuck with coming out of the doctor's office as a kid. That's how he repays me for sticking a shot in my arm and drawing a smiley face around the gaping wound? Anyway...no butterscotch here, just creamy goodness.
So that's the verdict: Cream Soda tasted the least like water, and stay away from Strawberry Soda if you value your life. In the future I might compare generic Publix cereals and their makeshift mascots to the real deal, ask people on the street what extremes they would go through for a Klondike bar, or ask car dealerships how to purchase one of those gigantic bows. I haven't done a mini-movie in a while, but that will hopefully change this upcoming weekend when Andrew comes down to visit me.
Sunday, October 10 at 12:15 PM
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